IF you wanted to experience the polar opposite of Jonny Wilkinson’s drop goal, Geoff Hurst’s hat-trick or the run-out that sealed England’s 2019 World Cup victory in a Super Over, then here it was.

In the history of sporting combat, there has never been a more dismal and inglorious way in which to clinch a major trophy than this.

Congratulations to the sneaky, lucky, boring Australians, who were bullied and thoroughly outplayed for three days at Old Trafford yet ended up retaining The Ashes because of a two-day Mancunian monsoon.

Talk about a damp squib.

During the fifth hour of persistent and torrential rain yesterday, a message flashed up on Old Trafford’s big screen to the few dozen remaining optimists still inside the ground.

It read: “Please keep an eye on play at all times to avoid being hit by the ball.”

The chance of being injured by a flying cricket ball would have been a fine thing, as the final day of the Fourth Test was completely washed out, following just 30 overs of cricket on Saturday.

Soon after, at 5.25pm, another message appeared on the screen reading ‘Match Abandoned’.

A gaggle of straggling Aussie supporters roared in sarcastic triumph and that was pretty much that.

Their team doesn’t even get the actual urn anyway. They never do because it’s too old and fragile and stays in the museum at Lord’s.

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But this was the antithesis of glory. Ben Stokes admitted it was a ‘tough pill to swallow’.

Having strived so hard to eliminate the draw from Test cricket with their swashbuckling Bazball approach, England surrendered their hopes of regaining the urn with the first draw in 17 matches under his captaincy.

And there was pretty much nothing they could do about it.

England have won 12 times under Stokes and head coach Brendon ‘Baz’ McCullum.

In their previous 17 Tests they had won just once.

But having set out to win over cricketing sceptics with their ultra-aggressive approach, it was cruel they lost in a way which will have many of those casual spectators pulling their hair out in frustration.

There were no sour grapes from Stokes. He wouldn’t even state that England have been the better team over these four matches.

Although he didn’t doubt that we would have headed to The Oval on Thursday tied at 2-2 had the rain held off.

Australia still needed 61 runs to make England bat again, with five wickets standing, when the rain returned on Saturday evening.

Marnus Labuschagne’s second-innings century sealed Australia’s retention of the urn but they  had been humiliated on days two and three.

As ex-England skipper Michael Vaughan put it: “I don’t remember a Test match where England have completely dominated and bullied an Australia side like that.

“This is the No 1 team in the world and England have really dismantled them.”

Before this match started, Manchester’s Mayor Andy Burnham and his counterpart in West Yorkshire had written an open letter appealing for an Ashes Test to be played in the north of England in 2025, after both Old Trafford and Headingley had been snubbed.

But there is even less chance of a U-turn now, after the infamous Manchester weather put paid to England’s hopes of winning the series.

Old Trafford has lost 24 complete days of Test cricket to rain, far more than any other English venue.

Yet while the weather robbed them here, England were beaten in two nail-biters at Edgbaston and Lord’s, matches in which they didn’t always strike the correct balance between aggression and recklessness.

The ‘stumping’ of Jonny Bairstow by Alex ‘Pariah’ Carey at Lord’s was the most controversial moment of an epic series but that was the one match which the Aussies definitely deserved to win.

Ever since lunch on the second day of the Third Test at Headingley, when Stokes led a recovery of a first innings on the brink of  collapse, England have been in  the ascendancy.

The introduction of 96mph merchant Mark Wood has rattled the Aussie batsmen, just as the buccaneering stroke-play of Bazball has unsettled them in the field.

Aussie skipper Pat Cummins, who suffered a personal nightmare as a bowler and captain in this match, at least had the decency to look sheepish in his post-match media duties.

“I don’t think there will be huge celebrations,” admitted Cummins, “maybe a few pats on the back for retaining The Ashes because there has been a lot of work going into pushing us into the positions where a draw here was enough.

“But it’s a strange one. We’re proud of retaining The Ashes but it’s not been our greatest week.”

So on they go to The Oval where England can draw the series and perhaps reflect on a moral victory, given the state of this Fourth Test before it started piddling down.

Although you may not be surprised to hear that, while Europe burns, it is forecast to rain in South London on Thursday.